Life is a really weird thing, especially my life I think. I have kind of a hard time relating to a lot of people, I feel like I'm really different from most people in a way that isn't good at all.
I don't think I'm particularly special. I guess I feel unique, but even that seems like too favorable of a term. I feel like an outlier, I guess. I want to be interesting, and I think in a clinical
way I am, but not in a way most people would find interesting. I just have a weird brain I guess. Sometimes I come across as excitable and eager, even kind of needy. Other times I'm cold and distant.
It's like my mindset and mood are constantly in flux. I'm diagnosed with bipolar, but I don't think it's that. Actually I don't even think I have bipolar, it was just a diagnosis I was stuck with at
one of the many mental hospitals I've been to. My mental illnesses are this weird unexplainable enigma that may not even exist. I obviously have depression and issues with anxiety, but anything else?
That shit is the wild west.
Here's the hottest take of the century: School fucking sucks. It's this place where you're trapped for six and a half hours a day and you have deal with a bunch of people, most of which you have zero things in common with. Another thing that makes it terrible is my insane levels of anxiety when it comes to interacting with peole in a school setting. This leads me back to the last topic of tonight's blog entry, I feel different. I feel like I can't be "normal" the way that other people can. I feel like I can't act like them and fit in with them no matter how hard I try to. Recently I've been talking to people from my school over discord (shout out PCOS lmao), people I don't know super well, which has actually helped a lot. Unfortunately I can't help but feel like I bother them. In school, when they're around, and I even consider talking to them in person it freaks me out to the point where I just pretend not to see them and walk past. What makes it even worse is that I listen to music while this whole internal struggle is happening, I have Deftones, The Smiths, or some generic depressing music blaring in my ears and it makes me feel like the loser protaganist of some movie, which is kind of cool, until I realize that I'm not the protaganist of a movie, I'm just a loser. I really need to be more confident. I think it would help make me feel a lot better. It's just hard. Maybe tomorrow I'll try talking to some people at school, that'd be pretty cool I think.
My 17th birthday is in 13 days, which I think is pretty sick. Everyday after that I'll be less than a year away from being an adult, which is something I've wanted more than anything else for the past couple years. I'm so ready for the rest of my life to begin. It's kinda funny because there have been so many times where I've thought "This is the start of the rest of my life," and usually it is the start of something new, but when I finally am an adult it'll be that way bigger scale. The night of my 18th birthday I'm gonna drive to wherever I'm going to be living and never come back, both metaphorically and literally. I'm going to Leave who I am now behind, at least in some ways, and I'm going to leave behind the place where I've had to live for most of my life. I'll get away. That's all I want right now is to get away. From school, from myself, from my guardian.
Things will change and get better, I just need to remind myself of that.