Here I am, after midnight on what is now a Thursday morning. I drank four Monsters, all of them part of the 'Java' line. Three of them were triple shot Java Monsters.
Needless to say I'm wired. It's interesting though, I'm so hyper yet so so sad. I am very awake but I can't think of anything other than how upset I am at the state of affairs in my life.
I feel a calling to the abyss. My suicidal thoughts are prevalant, though I doubt they're bad enough to hospitalize me. They're just passing thoughts. Oddly enough I feel like my life is just a passing thought. I feel like my life isn't worth living, though know it is. Logically I know how beautiful the world is, but it seems I'm blind to it. To my potential, to the true feelings of love from those around me, to the strength of my spirit. It's like everyone else just *pretends* to see how beautiful everything is. No one wants to admit they can't see the true beauty in the world. They all act like they can see it, but I can tell that deep down everyone is just as sad as me. I'm not special for feeling this way. I'm just another person dealing with how shit the world is. I'm another faceless, nameless person, trying so fucking hard to be significant, but failing. Just like everyone else. There's no point to any of it. We all die, we all get forgotten, everything is shit, etc etc ect
It's all so tiring. Everything just makes me want to sleep. sleep doesn't help, though. When I wake up I'm just as, if not more tired. Chemicals are the only thing that sustain me, that keep me awake, and I don't even have access to the fun ones. Just caffine and whatever shit is in Lexapro. Though that barely helps, if it does at all. I have so much I want to say but I can't. No one can deal with me being hospitalized. I don't want to lose my job. I feel so much pressure on me right now. School, work, family, relationships, and all these obligations. I'm drowning in them. I don't even have the freedom to escape into a hospital anymore. God I miss the instituations. The controlled sterility. Like depections of heaven, endless bright lights, unending care; I feel happy in them, or I want to believe I do. When I'm in all I want to do is get out, and when I'm out all I want to do is go back in. When I'm in I have the goal of getting out, and while it's not immediate, it is attainable. I have goals when I'm out but I don't give a shit about them. Gradutation feels like it's an eternity away, getting a job is just another responsiblity, moving out is even further out than graduation, and like, getting married feels impossible. I feel like when I'm an adult no one will love me. But when I'm in the hospital I just have to wait a few days and my goal is achieved. That's probably not the only reason I miss it so much. I think I just miss who I was back then. I think, though I was depressed, suicidal, and hopeless, I still felt better than this. I had more people who cared about me. I was popular in every hospital I've ever been in. Especially the Partial Hospitalization Program. God I miss it. I didn't really know any of them, but they liked me. They cared about me. I was important and cool and *loved*. Now I feel alone and hated and I feel so lost. I desperately want to feel loved, but sometimes I don't, even by those who say they love me, and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so alone. Everyday is more and more isolating. School is hell, work is meaningless. Neither of which provide much of anything in the way of friendship. I have the internet but that doesn't ever really help much, does it? I can't connect with anyone on a personal level anymore. I have these surface level conversations with most people. With pretty much everyone I meet I'm quiet and awkward. It's my own damn fault that I'm lonely. I'm too fucking scared to communicate. Too fucking picky to find someone to talk to. No one seems 'cool'. Like I'm in any position to determine that. I'm a fucking loser. I can barely talk to anyone, even the people closest to me. I can't open up, and when I do what do I get? Stupid shit like this entire post. Stupid fucking bullshit that just shows how worthless I really am. All I fucking do is complain whenever I get the chance, and am I doing anything to fix that? No, of course not. I hate myself, and I hate the world, but I do nothing to change myself or it. I know some people care about me. I'm just too selfish to care. I feel like no one does because it validates my feelings of empty isolation. I want to just not care. I want to be confident and cool like I pretend to be online and around my sister, but I'm really just this insecure waste of space. I can barely talk to my manager at work. There are people who love me. Why can't I see that? What's wrong with me? I don't know anymore.
I wanted to stay up late and write something. Which, technically I did, but it wasn't what I wanted to write. I just feel like I needed to get this out, because I can't get it out any other way. I just hold it inside me, letting bits and pieces out at a time. I don't know. I should finish my book or something.