I started my new job yesterday. I did four hours of training on a tabet in the lobby. The hat they gave me made my head look stupid.
Being a 'Food Champion' (lovely title, huh?) is my third job. In total I've only been employed for about four months; three months at a pizza place, and a month at my local butchery. Did you know butchery is the term for a butcher's shop in South African English? I had no idea that was a term particular to South African English. I was not the best worker in the past, to be honest. I would often throw up at work out of anxiety. My nausea is effected heavily by my nerves. Though my possibly infected, dying, gallbladder is also likely a factor. I know that I need to work, I need to prove myself as responsible to the powers that be (i.e. my parents), I also need a stable source of income. Money, though I find it to be an evil, corrupting concept, is my only way to get the things that I really want. For example, I'd really really like to have a lemon tree. I love lemon trees. I would put ornaments on my lemon tree, if given the chance. I would also buy clothing. I am a very big fan of fashion, I love clothes, jewelry, shoes, all of it. I even enjoy makeup.
I think this feeling I've had lately, this potent despair I've felt is growing inside of me. Everyday feels worse. It's like I'm on a downward spiral, there's a fear in me about what happens when I finally hit rock bottom. I feel like there's a void waiting for me. Something hollow and lifeless that I can slip into and vanish. I don't know what I expect to happen but I doubt it'll be anything very favorable.